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Thursday, January 6th, 2011
10:55 am
So I am reflecting on my life and thinking that I've focused so much on romantic love and I'm still single. I want to focus more on loving my friends, on loving all people.

I wish I could make everyone feel that they are truly seen. I want them to know that I don't want anything from them. Rich does this so well, it seems like he always has something to say to everyone in the office and yet it never feels like just small talk. I wish I could do that but I'm not *that* extroverted. And I could maaybe imitate his behavior but how could I get it to feel as genuine as he does?

I (almost always) really like when people do the friendly shoulder touch but I'd feel awkward about doing it myself. Maybe it seems weirder coming from a young female? I associate it with someone older than me and usually male but not always. Maybe I just need practice and it shouldn't be too too scary if I start with my friends.

I already do have friends that I connect to. I already do smile at strangers. But I want more of that. Partly I think that's a good goal to want more of it. But partly I think that it's coming from that part of me that feels like I am never enough. I don't just want to bond with more people I want to bond with everyone I meet. I want to bond with people all the time and never have an awkward moment. And I want them all to reciprocate when I know that sometimes my friendly smiles will be ignored and I know that connecting, or trying to, will inevitably be awkward at times.

Another thing I want to do is matchmaking. Because I still believe in romantic love very much I'm just somewhat tired of searching on my own behalf. I know so many great people and it would be wonderful to help them find someone to love. But I've tried a few matches already with no luck. But that's bound to happen and it only takes one great match to make it worthwhile. I also don't really know how to go about match making. I have to get both people to agree but should I ask the girl first or the guy...? It helps if they are both on OkCupid already I think because then I could just ask one of them to look at the other's profile.
Friday, July 3rd, 2009
6:28 pm
Last night I realized the only real security is giving up on security. I'd been having some worries, you know, all those "what ifs." And I examined them and tried to reassure myself that they were unfounded. But something still kept nagging me. And I realized that when I was completely honest with myself, there's no way of knowing. The things I worry about could come true. And that was comforting some how. I realized that I could let go of control. Control, worry, and security are very similar because they all involve trying to make reality match your expectations. Making demands instead of accepting the gifts that the world offers. If you are too caught up in expectations you will be blinded to the beauty and possibility all around you.
Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
10:16 pm
I realized today how much I rely on my actual journal made of paper that no one else reads. It does wonders seriously. To be able to get my thoughts out with complete honesty and in a place where I know I can refer to them later - that makes it acceptable to let them off my mind. I thought, what would it be like to set a rule of not writing there for a week? I don't think I want to find out. Even just in the course of today I felt mentally congested waiting to get home to my journal.

Some things for me to be mindful of:
3)Right Speech - how to be truthful without doing harm?
Sunday, June 14th, 2009
10:26 pm
Recall in a way you can't grasp now
Along the same lines as yesterday, this quote from the Bible has brought me comfort today.

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

Ever since I can remember I wanted to make a difference in the world... "Save the Rainforest" etc. But when it came to the people closest to me I am definitely selfish at times. It's okay, everyone is. But I think I have made some progress in realizing the power of giving on a personal as well as global level. And sure there's a selfish aspect, the "joy of giving". But, oh, the difference in finding joy in making someone else happy, it could be a beautiful world. It already is.
12:54 am
Wow... 15 weeks since I posted. Something I've been thinking about lately is "the Beloved in his distressing disguise" or "Jesus in his distressing disguise". This means that when you see someone (even yourself) who annoys you or disturbs you in some way, they are still worthy of love and compassion. Its like that parable where a god goes down to earth disguised as a beggar and sees who will help. Will you see past the surface to the god within all of us?
Wednesday, February 25th, 2009
11:01 am
Small Joys in Life
Sychronizing "AWWWWWWW!"ing
Friday, February 20th, 2009
6:56 pm
Yes Medieval Manor sucks.

They make you go **on stage** and ask permission to go to the bathroom! I am not crazy here, what person would want to do that? I love the spotlight and I think that is humiliating, forget about it if you are shy to begin with. And I hate being told what to do, why should I pay for it!

I was so outraged that I decided to write them a letter. And I told them how I was having a tough night already and this was the last straw. I ended up crying, leaving the restaurant and ringing in the New Year alone with my cats.

Their response was to send me a Medieval Manor pamphlet on which they had highlighted a part that said not to leave your seat during the show and they wrote "Also on website. We were never given notice of medical condition. Sorry."

Here is my reply:

"While I do appreciate that at least you responded I do not feel this is an adequate response. I think it is unreasonable to expect your customers to read through all your documentation before visiting. I don't know of any other business that does. This is not just a theater it is a restaurant as well. I understand wanting people to stay in their seats, that is a fair request. But no one should be humiliated if they really need to get up.

What it comes down to is I don't feel you appreciate your customers. I was hoping you would rethink the policy but I didn't expect that. But I strongly feel I deserved a sincere apology instead of blaming me for not reading the documentation and notifying someone of my medical condition. This also makes me feel you have completely failed to see my point of view. I can see yours, you are thinking, "She's making a big deal about nothing, everyone else is fine with it." And maybe that is true. I don't expect you to change just for me, though I don't think I'm the only one.

But I expected you would acknowledge my point of view and be sincere in apology. Instead, you further showed your attitude that it is a privilege for me to give you my money. That the responsibility lies with me to study beforehand, rather than with you, to do something easily within your power to make every customer comfortable.

Respond or not as you see fit."
Monday, February 9th, 2009
10:54 am
My most excellent quote of the day(as in I said this): "I'm like one of the hungry hungry hippos. I have to snap them all up! And then I'm like UGH!!! I HAD TOO MUCH!... cuz... you know that's what the hungry hungry hippos are thinking afterward"
Sunday, January 25th, 2009
12:51 am
My life is amazing. I have done so much great stuff since I broke up with Kevin (not to say that wasn't great while it lasted). The past three weekends I have spent the night with three different amazing friends. Wow. I am lucky to have one friend so great and I have a few. And one night I stayed up talking to my friend Joe for 3 hours til 5 am. The past few weeks have been exciting and a time of real bonds with people who bring out the best in me. Love is real.
Monday, January 12th, 2009
10:28 pm
Just 3 days worth of why I love Cambridge
-On the way to church yesterday morning I only passed a few people here and there, yet two people said "good morning" to me.

-A random girl asked if I was alright when I slipped on the ice today.

-On the train Saturday I saw a group of like 50 people without pants on, some guys wore suit jackets with their underwear. I asked someone what it was for and they just said "annual no pants subway ride". And I was like okay, so there's not any specific reason? And they said "just to promote less pants-wearing
Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
2:57 pm
Person: Did you make any robocalls for Obama?
Me: Ummm... I'm not a robot...?
Saturday, November 22nd, 2008
12:51 pm
more nice people
young, hispanic, female CVS clerk: "Have a beautiful day. It's not beautiful but you can make beautiful."
12:20 am
things you know but cant explain
Last night the people downstairs were playing guitar and singing beautiful indian music. I wondered, how could I tell it wasn't a cd. There's a difference that I can't explain what it is.

On another random note, I sometimes get excited for a second that there's a movie with the word quantum in it, then I remember it is a james bond movie.
Thursday, November 13th, 2008
9:37 pm
This is an interesting reminder of how complex the brain is:

Saturday, November 1st, 2008
5:28 am
I'm so worried about the election that I literally feel like throwing up.
4:04 am
Next year on halloween I want to just ride around on the t all night.
Sunday, October 26th, 2008
8:35 pm
I <3 North Carolina
Today Justin and I called people in North Carolina to get them to volunteer for the Obama campaign. I feel like it went really well, we got a good number of people signed up, lots of people were already volunteering and almost everyone was nice and had a kick ass Southern accent. I like southern accents. One family had such an awesome answering machine message that I was seriously excited to call back again. I love the way she said "we are glad you called." I like that I have now gone door to door in New Hampshire and called in Ohio, Virginia, North Carolina and Minnesota. So I feel like I have played a part in all those states, and since I was signing up people to volunteer, who knows how many voters they turned out?
Friday, October 24th, 2008
10:31 pm
**Find your expected taxes under McCain or Obama: http://www.electiontaxes.com/**
I would get no tax cut under McCain and $500 tax cut under Obama.

Oh also, here's a link to calculate your taxes under McCain's plan and Obama's plan. It seems fairly nonpartisan. I googled "electiontaxes.com criticized" and the first few pages were all articles mentioning the site but criticizing something else. If there was a big complaint with the calculator from either side, I would have found something.
9:23 pm
Health Care
Again, McCain will make the fortunate more fortunate and the less fortunate, less fortunate. I will fully admit that Obama will do the reverse. Young and healthy will do better under McCain's plan, old or sick will be much better off with Obama's plan. Obama's plan - people get insurance regardless of their health. McCain's plan - people get charged for insurance based on their health. Also, McCain will give the same tax credit to everyone and Obama will give tax credits based on income.

I didn't know this until today but the key difference is that Obama wants a company to charge the same rate for everyone, no matter their age and health. Some states do this already, Massachusetts for one. But healthy, young people will pay more which may cause them to drop coverage which will make rates go up even more because the pool of insured people is left with higher risk people. But how many people will really drop insurance coverage? It's risky to be uninsured and if health care is affordable enough there won't be incentive to take that risk. This drop out effect would be avoided by requiring everyone have coverage, Hilary Clinton was on to something. Some people speculate that if Obama is elected he will change over to the required coverage model.

There's a big problem with McCain's plan to allow people to buy coverage across state lines. Everyone who lives in a state that is required to insure regardless of preexisting conditions and is healthy will find cheaper insurance in states that insure based on health. Anyone who's healthier than average can find a cheaper plan so maybe 30-40% of people will leave for a cheaper plan. As more healthy people leave the plan, only people with bad health would be left in the plan and the insurance company has to charge more. This will probably destroy state plans. We will go from a few states insuring people regardless of health to zero states.

I am happy that I have been able to find out where both of them stand, directly from their websites. It takes a bunch of digging around though, I have spent probably close to 8 hours on this the past 2 days. Maybe just maybe I have some facts in a world of spin and lies. I am okay with people having different priorities but I get very discouraged when the basic facts are disputed. I also wish there was a source I could count on to do the kind of analysis I just did. But maybe that's impossible. This same analysis is surely out there somewhere but I wouldn't trust it if I read it. I also sort of wish Obama campaign would come out and say "If you are young and healthy you will probably pay more but I will try to make it not too much more." Although I wouldn't want him to lose because of his honesty. Both campaigns try to make it seem like their plans involve hardly any sacrifices, and that just discourages me because I don't believe it and then I don't know what to believe. There are some things that will make health care less expensive for everyone but in that case, both candidates will do it, neither of them are stupid. I didn't mention any of these because my purpose here was to find the difference between the two candidates. I have been trying to end the entry on a positive note but just decided that it feels dishonest to do so.
Thursday, October 23rd, 2008
9:24 pm
To make this very simple-

John McCain - improve the economy by giving tax cuts to businesses, this will create more jobs. Cut government spending in order to give tax cuts.

Barack Obama - improve the economy by giving tax cuts to people who don't make tons of money, government initiatives such as clean energy can create more jobs

How do we know that tax cuts to businesses will create more jobs? How do we know it won't just become more profit for that business? It's safe to say that for every dollar in tax cuts we will get less than a dollar in new jobs. The number is debatable - 10 cents on a dollar, 25 cents? And how many jobs will be lost from cutting government spending?

I think if you want to help people who are struggling financially it's better to be direct about it as Obama proposes. Government spending is great if done well, would you rather see a Caviar retailer get a $30,0000 tax cut or school being able to hire enough teachers? We focus so much on the waste in government but we forget how much it really does for us - law enforcement, environmental protection, libraries, public parks, schools, roads.

Well, I think if your priority is lower taxes for those who are pretty well off then I can understand why McCain would be a good choice. You could say that it's not fair that some people have to pay a higher percentage of their income, and that anyone who wants to and is determined could earn more. But we need a certain amount of government money to get things done, I am open to ideas of specific cuts. If someone needs to pay more taxes it should not be people who are already struggling to pay for essentials such as health care. I think everyone should have their basic needs met especially if they are working 40 hours a week or more. And this is not even about giving away money, it's about taking less money from people who are making very little.

Debate is welcome.
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